It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”