Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.