“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
You Might Also Like
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Genius idea!!
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I didn’t realize that was an option
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.