“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
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I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything