I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Banking tips
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.