Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.