I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Not all heroes wear capes…
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”