I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
sliding into dms like
fr
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Good morning
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.