Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…