@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@LionJenkins: I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
@KentWGraham: How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
@PaulyPeligroso: Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?
@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
@3sunzzz: Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!