@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@WhaJoTalkinBout: When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
@trevorthehuman: Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
@david8hughes: I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home.
@cray_at_home_ma: Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
@Tmoney68: Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day.....