“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”