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@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@kumailn: Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
Brain: “Good call.”
Brain: “Hey what do you think is gonna happen at this elect—“
Me: “I DON’T KNOW!!!”
@Cheeseboy22: Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
@notacroc: Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
@djdarrellripley: Him: Where'd you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too...