Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
They’re not wrong
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon