Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
cause of death:
autopsy.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.