Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
my dog when i have a friend over
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*lint rolls you awake*
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.