Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.