10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.