Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
You Might Also Like
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.