Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
The booster protects against what, now?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged