Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.