Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
You Might Also Like
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If I ignore life will it go away?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.