@Fuzzy_sue: Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@david8hughes: [in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
@DanielRCarrillo: Rejected names for lumberjacks: -Woodroberts -Treedaves -Logjeffs -Forestbills -Timberjims
@joshxhowie: Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
@Reverend_Scott: FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!