*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.