hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
You Might Also Like
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Barbie gone wild
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia