Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
The Sun
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
i have one speed and it’s mosey