@yerpalmildsauce: How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@AndRyanTF: Incredible Hulk Experiment-Day 13 Just woke up. Still not a Hulk. Looks like I ate all those moldy bagels for nothing. -Research Continues

@krisv_723: I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.

@TedBundybitch: Always the best looking one in the room. *Restroom **Restroom stall whatever

@vikkaroni: Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.