@mofrorock: "Two's company, three's a crowd" - people who've never seen a crowd
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@Jay_FrickinLynn: Excuse me, ma'am. Your car doesn't make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.
@MrMichaelRose: *impulsively buys a private island *frolics on the island for several weeks *gets Mastercard bill in the mail WHAT THE F--oh yeah the island
@Tmoney68: Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He's been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
@causticbob: I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble