I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*