In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
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If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I have questions??
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba