Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
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Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.