ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.