Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.