Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.