*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
everyone’s a critic
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.