@HeyZeus666: Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
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@EndhooS: Wife "WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?" [Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again...
@stevemarriott: Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there's a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
@KristinHalbrook: Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.