[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8