u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas