@pleatedjeans: U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn't have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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@scott2ten: Co-worker: Face up or face down? Me: Um. What? Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down? Me: I'm not mature enough to answer that.
@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
@XplodingUnicorn: [Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
@tarrynklaudia_x: If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.