U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
they finally got him. they got macavity
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed