@pleatedjeans: U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn't have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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@BillArrundale: I'm not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily
@bornmiserable: "This race is over," said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.