U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
consequences, the bane of my existence
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head