“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Don’t talk down to me
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.