“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Just as the prophecy foretold
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.