u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.