u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Cool shirt 🙂
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Pretty much. 🤣
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Jurassic park gets weird
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.