Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Breaking news:
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
When I laugh on my period
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb