Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]