u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
How is it still this week?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.