U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Does your wife know you’re single?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
can’t catch a break
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: