U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*