Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”