@VodkaThursday: U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
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@dulcetry: I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@Jamie1947: Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"