My teenage children choosing violence
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Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My life coach traded me.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Oh yeah that’s it
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.