u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse