U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Möther may I have a snäck
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.