U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Oh yeah that’s it
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups