U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Good morning!
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now