…u ok Nintendo?
You Might Also Like
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer